One afternoon in 2002, while I was living in Chengdu, I had wandered into a restaurant and was sitting, looking out the window at this big, uncertain world around me. People were everywhere, like in so many cities, but especially characteristic in Chinese cities, and I remember thinking that I was so insignificant, so helpless to make any lasting change or impression on a world so troubled. At the time, I was in a relationship with He Zegang, the man who would the next year become my husband, and in that moment, I thought maybe 20 years down the road I would be able to look back on the life we made (thinking it would be in China) and you know, write a book like every good American should. And I thought I would title the book "Blowing Against the Wind."
Tonight I have a heavy heart. It's been a couple of days of feeling the tidal wave of responsibilities and ambitions may overwhelm me, and I suppose it only made matters worse that Laurie and I watched A Mighty Heart, which my tender and susceptible heart could barely endure. If you haven't seen it, it's definitely worth a viewing. I'd also even more highly recommend Krista Tippett's interview with Mariane Pearl on Speaking of Faith.
Today I also learned that one of my sisters in infertility had a chemical pregnancy from her latest round of IVF, and my soul purely aches for her. I thought of her yesterday as I was dashing between projects, and said to myself "I'd like to live in a world where she finally gets her positive pregnancy test." Alas, it's not that kind of world, quite apparently.
It's just one of those times when it all feels so gruesome, so enormous, so beyond reach, you know?
I've been working on a post about sweatshops in China and how to find companies who engage in Fair Trade practices, but it's not done yet. So, in lieu of a completed post with carefully thought-out ideas, I'm just showing up as your fellow human tonight, sad and concerned about the state of our world. Do you think about these things in your daily life? How do your encounter the vastnes of our human experience? Care to share? I'd love to hear your thoughts.